When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
Sometimes I lay awake and wonder, "Where have I gone wrong?" and then a voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than just one night."
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
Did you ever meet somebody, and you go to shake the guy's hand... and you suddenly realize... he doesn't have a complete hand! And you gotta make believe it feels great! Right? You can't go "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" You can't do that! It's not even an option!
